An Open Letter To My Daughters Stepmom

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts for human beings to comprehend.  We always say “I will forgive but I will never forget”. Yet the main reason someone asks for forgiveness is for that person to forget the hurt, pain, hate, the disappointment.

I asked for forgiveness from my ex-husbands Fiancé and it was one of the most liberating moments in my life.

The mountain of hate and guilt I carried on my shoulders vanished, the feeling of complete release was magical.  The eye-opening fact was that as I asked her to forgive me. I felt her hurt and pain she has been carrying with her.  For the first time in my life I felt as if I was standing in her shoes and it sucked. She was genuinely hurt by my words and actions.

The relationship between myself and the fiancé has always been a love/hate situation.  Some days I love to hate her, hate to love her, love to love her and hate to hate her.

What I failed to acknowledge is that she didn’t ask to meet a man who had a life before she stepped into the picture, who had an ex-wife and two gorgeous little girls.  She probably viewed her future in a different light to the reality she received, nonetheless she accepted it and took it in her stride.  I for one am very grateful to have a stable, loving and caring stepmom in my girls lives.  She cares for them as if they were her own, she never complains or keeps track of what she does for them.

She was a threat to me. Here this woman is trying to replace me, take my rightful place in my children’s lives, but never once did I stop and think maybe its not such a bad thing to have another person love my children as much as I love them.

She can be my safety net, she catches the pieces when they fall, she is my backup when I cant make it. She’s the caregiver when I am not there when they are sick.  I would rather have her in our lives and my girls never feel neglected or alone.

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I look at the whole situation in the following light; there are these 3 little girls, they have 8 sets of grandparents, they have numerous cousins, aunts and uncles, who wouldn’t want that much love for their children.

Each and everyone absolutely adores them and loves spending time with them, we have our own village that looks after these little girls and one day her little one will join the whole brood as well.  We are one of the most unconventional families and yet it works.  I am not going to listen to people telling me that its unhealthy to have a relationship with my ex-husband and his fiancé, no, there is really nothing wrong with that. It’s better to raise happy and content little people who will look up to the love they received and not the lack their of one day.

The feeling was overwhelming to ask her forgiveness and thankfully she was home alone that morning, as she opened the door and turned towards me, I walked in and gave her a hug and apologized profusely with the most sincerest heart.  She held me so tight and I her, I wanted to pull away and she was still holding on and when I looked at her I saw the tears in her eyes and I felt her heartache, I was gutted, she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and here I was walking around being a proud Christian and yet making her feel awful.  She forgave me, it was as if the darkness in my heart vanished.  The one day a step-parent feels completely unappreciated is on mothers day and fathers day, I wanted to change that and I did, I asked her to join me on mothers day to celebrate not only myself for giving birth to my girls but to her accepting them as her own.

Life is way too short to go through it making the same mistakes over and over again and listening to disgruntled divorced individuals, there is really nothing wrong with wanting to have an amicable and awesomely good relationship with your ex and his new future wife.  This is my “New Normal” and frankly speaking, I am very happy with my decision.

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Chan Thrupp

Chantelle is a single, working Mom to 3 beautiful girls. Currently loving life and hoping her personal tails give other single moms hope and laughter. Follow her on